Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Grandma Hates Punk Ass Politics

A phrase used by some non-fiction storytellers to prepare the audience for a Shyamalan twist: "Dude, you can't make this shit up."

A couple days after Hillary decides not to go for Grandma's vote all over a cup of coffee, a car pulls into our driveway. Grandma's not home, she's at therapy. I have to deal with whatever subpoena or restraining order or newspaper salesmen myself, wearing a FragDolls t-shirt and tattered jeans. Shit. I open the door to find a man wearing a white shirt and tie holding a book with his mini-me child, also white shirt and tie holding a book ...and a pamphlet.

Let's be clear, I'm always very polite to Jehovha 's Witnesses, I let them come in, ask them if they'd like coffee, half-listen to what they have to say and half-listen to Cartoon Network. I never argue, I'm cordial, because you know what? People can believe what they want to believe, man. If it comforts you, if you believe it's true- then it's true to you. Rock on, it's not my business. I'm not going to be a dick and tell you you're wrong.


So the kid reads some scripture while our dogs are barking like the Poltergeist is about to jump out of the closet to get them and I thank him, kind of hoping that he wonders about the Tivo'd Powerpuff Girls kicking ass in the background on the way home. His father thanks me for letting him read to me, they give me a pamphlet and very politely go away.


When Grandma gets home I show her the pamphlet, you know- for fun; "Don't even give that shit to me, ...Tim, look at the cover; why would you give that to me?""Why? What's wrong with it? .......Oohhh."

Grandma goes on her merry way to play some GameCube and I actually take a closer look at the cover. That's when I realize the cover art actually depicts the exact kind of movie Grandma and I would go see. In fact, you make a movie like this, we'll see it twice if it's any good. Check this out:So what are we looking at here, we have a hot girl looking somewhat nervous but not at all terrified she's being chased through heavy traffic by helicopters; we have a briefcase with a little blinky light on it and what looks like a speaker- and check out the handcuffs!! I bet they cut the arm off of whoever they were intended. I hope so. The dude is the best, though- he has a GTA III sneer and a Reservoir Dogs look that makes me beg Tarantino to make it. I can imagine Grandma and me at the theater listening to the dialogue; "You want to fuck with me? I'll show you who you're fucking with!!" screaming out taunts and ridicule like we were at the Magic Johnson Theater (which actually is fun to go to, by the way).


I talked to her later about it. "What do you have against Jehovha's Witnesses?"
"Nothing," she said. "I just don't believe that violence in video games and movies has shit to do with anything."

Preach on, Grandma. A-fucking-men.


--More to come!!--


14 Comments:

  • At 11:34 AM, Blogger Pentarix said…

    haha you tell 'em Grandma! ;)

     
  • At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Cythen said…

    Myself, I find beating the sweet unholy bejus out of someone in a video game to be quite satisfying and stress relieving.

    Organized religion doesn't want you to enjoy anything that doesn't eventually put money in their coffers. I admire your patience in dealing with them.

     
  • At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Jonathan Bennett said…

    Yeah, you were very patient. I usually just tell them, "I've found Jesus. He was stuck in the couch the whole time." Then I tell them I'm kidding. Then I tell them I'm not a Christian anymore. Then they ask why. Then I tell them I realized that it doesn't make sense for God to make me imperfect, hate me for being imperfect, and then send his "perfect" son down to save me from the imperfectness that God himself gave me. I tell them that there's no way the real God is that much of an idiot.

    And I couldn't agree with your grandma more.

     
  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Oh Grandma releives stress with videos games alright: it's called Grand Theft Auto.

    If I found jesus in my couch, I'd sell it on e-bay for a million dollars. :) I gotta use that, dude.

     
  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Its pretty sad that I learn about current events from OGHC. Damn. Now I can't vote for Hillary either.

     
  • At 2:58 PM, Blogger Humor Girl said…

    lol! just found your site...LOVE the videoa!

     
  • At 4:25 PM, Anonymous The Man said…

    People who don't like violence haven't tried it properly. Yet...

     
  • At 12:32 AM, Blogger Xenethis said…

    haha good oh jehova's witnesses.
    last time some came over here i pulled out one of my bigger spiders and let him walk around the living room.

    ....he's a pink toe goliath(but might as well be a kitten) with a 13inch legspan. big enough to destroy a small dog or toddler.

    they got nervous and left relativly fast after noticing him walking around.

     
  • At 12:33 AM, Anonymous Phil said…

    If you don't need your Grandma anymore, send her over. Maybe we can beat Fatal Frame (and 2) together.

    Damn game...grmblmudder...

    Why can't all Grandparents be that cool? Why?? The world would be so much better.

     
  • At 3:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    so what did the magazine say? did you read it or are you making fun of it before taking the time to see why there's a reservoir dog driving a motorcycle on the bike...

     
  • At 10:25 AM, Blogger Binsk said…

    COOLEST. GRANDMA. EVER.

     
  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've seen some rockin' Awake covers, but that one takes the cake. Love their art for all the wrong (right) reasons.

     
  • At 11:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was born a witness, and was quite surprised to see a picture of this awake magazine in this blogsite.

    as regards to how people view jw, i dont blame anyone, everyone has their own opinion. heck, if i wasn't a jw..ill prolly do the same thing every other person would do when i go out and do service -_-;;

    cool site, btw. your granmda rocks :D

     
  • At 2:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Regarding anyBuy D3 Items review Someone said attached to "The Kitty no longer has sufficient the actual Well known Bag" declaring this is totally a fake, the amount of 70-year olds will the particular commenter realize would carry the operator and create a confront associated with cheap Guild wars 2 Goldreal focus on need for your picture we saw inside submit?

     

Post a Comment

<< Home